Diary of a Fat Girl: REALITY CHECK

Diary of a Fat Girl: REALITY CHECK

Well, as it turns out, all my good intentions and good sense about changing my life came in the nick of time. I’ve been diagnosed with diabetes. I freely admit that fear of chronic illness is what prompted my life style and food changes. I was all about “choice” and “choosing to be healthier” with the knowledge that diets don’t work for me since deprivation is actually a food “trigger” for me. It took me over 20 years to figure that out—really figure it out and not just “get it” in some nebulous way that didn’t have any effect on my daily actions.  I wanted to head off the bad stuff because I was ready to face the consequences of living an unhealthy and overweight life and I was worried about getting older and facing a huge burden physically and financially. But I was too late. (Well, my doctor says that on a scale of 1-10 my condition is a 2. He seems confident that if I continue on as I am, my condition will not get worse and can be controlled with diet and exercise.) Regardless of whether or not I am on medication, I will be diabetic and hypertensive for the rest of my life. I want to cry just admitting it. I’m very angry at myself, but am soldiering on through it because this is the bed I made and laid in daily instead of being active.

So it seems I’m psychic! I started for the better this January and had already lost over 10 lbs when I had my check-up. In actuality, I’m on a course that will improve my health, but with a deadly serious new motivation. I do not want to take shots, and I don’t have to for now. But I do have to monitor my blood sugar and I bought a blood pressure monitor to watch that too.

I’ll admit to being overwhelmed. I had already crafted a fairly detailed plan for my daily nutrition and caloric/fat intake, so having to add in all the finger-pricking and counting of sugar grams, etc., sent me into a tail spin and mini-depressive episode. But here’s where things get interesting—food turned me off. This emotional eater and life-long over-eater and lover of fast foods would total out all the consumed food through myfitnesspal.com each night and get a warning that I wasn’t consuming enough calories, which threatened to send my body into starvation mode. I had lost my appetite. Whether I’m eating salad or ice cream, I always EAT with enjoyment. I found myself merely “swallowing” my food after my diagnosis. Internally, I cringed at the thought of eating because now FOOD is a killer and I don’t want to die.

It was time for a reality check! ALL foods will not kill me. SOME foods are not only necessary to live, but taste good. Balance is the key. In an effort to make myself “happy” about some of the foods I eat, I looked for healthy ways to make stuff I consider “fun” food. I LOVE Egg McMuffins, although I’m now convinced that McDonald’s is hell and Ronald is Lucifer. So this weekend I found Canadian bacon at the market, added 3 scrambled egg whites and plated them on a whole wheat sandwich round. You know what? It was good without the cheese and the English muffin. Who knew? And it was filling. But one day this week I was running late, so I opted to go to the drive-thru to get an Egg Mc without cheese, even though that place is evil—I HAD to eat. Know what? While the Egg Mc without cheese was lower in calories and fat, it took up almost a whole day’s allowable cholesterol. The yolk! I forgot about the yolk! Yikes!

I’m learning, y’all. I’m trying and I’m learning and it’s hard damned work being “on” in terms of food consumption all day, every day. Yes, I know, going over my cholesterol grams on one day isn’t going send me into a tail spin. But I’ve got to learn it right the 1st time or the changes won’t stick. I know me—if I don’t think “don’t eat the yolk” every time I think of eggs, I’m gonna eat the yolk. Cause I like yolks and it’s easier to eat ‘em then to remember not to. Unless I train myself to be yolk-less, then it will be a habit and become 2nd nature.

You should see me adding smoked turkey sausage to jambalaya instead of pork. Or watch me buying sugar free fudgcicles instead of just buying the low fat ones. I refuse to buy frozen yogurt—some things are meant to be enjoyed as they are. (I’m talking about you, Rocky Road, and you, Extreme Moose Tracks!) So I eat sugar free ice cream treats and I’m satisfied. I wanted to incorporate peanut butter as a snack both to get in more calories and fat, and also on the advice of a friend. I spent at least 15 minutes on 2 different shopping trips looking at the various PB options. I didn’t like any of them. PB is not a go-too food for me. I find it completely resistible . . . . Unless it’s a Reese’s peanut butter cup or chewy peanut butter cookie, and then I’m all over peanut butter like it’s the most delicious food ever. But I’m all about trying new things and choosing to compromise for my good health. And then, there it was—the thing that made peanut butter attractive to me in a whole new way: all natural peanut butter blended with sweet white chocolate. Bless you, Peanut Butter & CO! I never heard of you, but I like you already. I also figured out how to feel guiltless about eating any peanut butter. A serving of peanut butter is 2 tablespoons, right? So I don’t eat the whole serving. I just had half a serving of apple slices (7 slices) and half a tablespoon of my new favorite PB. Delicious and nutritious and I didn’t have to worry about fat grams OR sugar grams because this peanut butter actually has less sugar than 14 slices of apple.

I’m a learning machine when it comes to food and how this stuff plays out. And I’m happy to say I’m often pleased when I put 2 + 2 together and still come out with a reasonably tasty, healthy snack. This is so much better than cookies, as I’m figuring out. Peanut butter and apples give me fat, calories, protein and fiber, with no cholesterol or and very little sodium. No “100 calorie” snack cookie or cake can claim the same, well, none that I know about. (I’m talking about you, Pepperidge Farms 100 calorie cookie packs, and you, too, Nabisco!) Plus the peanut butter will last longer and is therefore cheaper than actually buying a box of 5 or 6 cookie 100 cal snacks. Portion control is also a huge lesson that has helped me more than once. I ordered a grilled tuna sandwich yesterday, but the tuna steak was think and wide. I only ate half the tuna and had 3-4 bites of the top bun only. Then I saved the rest for another meal and I wasn’t a bit deprived or hungry by only eat about 5 oz. of that delicious tuna instead of the whole thing. I’ve been trying to do that more and more, since I’m a control freak. Look at what an actual portion is and then measure it out and if I can be satisfied by less then I only eat until I’m satisfied. I CAN have about 14 baked barbeque kettle chips but I was counted and was satisfied with 7, so I stopped eating. And I stopped eating after 7 directly from the bag! Which is a huge weight-loss no-no. Still, I opened the bag, I counted the chips as I ate them, enjoyed them, sealed the bag after only eating half a serving and didn’t go back for more last night; although I did have a veggie salad before bed. I realized I hadn’t eaten any veggies all day, so I had to get some salad in my digestive track. That’s how I think now—Fruit? Check! Veggies? Check! Fiber? Check! If I’ve missed something, I usually try to catch it at or before dinner to make sure the meal is balanced. Healthy choices are the way for me.

But I still have my weaknesses . . . cookies and barbeque chips are a weakness. I am no longer allowed to bring ELF Fudge sandwich cookies into the house. I am no longer allowed to bring Lays Southern Sweet Heat Barbecue chips into the house. I kept my portions down to the servings, but I ate them on multiple days with full and complete awareness. So even though I stayed within my food goals, I had to give that stuff away because, even though, I can have an ounce of chips, I didn’t want to stop there. I can even have two ounces of chips. But the nutritional side of my plan suffered for it. Chips are not an even swap for 3 cups of mixed salad with carrots and cucumbers. I know that. I gave that stuff away. “Out of sight, out of mind,” as folks say. Hmmm . . . all this food talk is making me hungry.

Today’s lunch is a big salad with boiled egg white ONLY and grilled blackened tuna steak. Yummy! Later I get to have the other half of that tablespoon of peanut butter and don’t add anything to my food journal because I slotted half a serving with my morning snack. It’s a game I play and enjoy. Sometimes I make myself a cup of decadent hot chocolate and only drink half in the morning, then save the rest for the afternoon and it’s like a “free snack” because I’ve already incorporated the calories, fat and sugar into my daily total.  It’s silly, but keeps me on track and keeps me from feeling DEPRIVED. Yay!

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Diary of a Fat Girl: The Breakthrough!


On January 4, 2012, I signed up w/ myfitnesspal.com. One of the tools allows each person to set individual goals for nutrition and fitness. I have NOT met my fitness goals at all. I am lazy and like to sleep late. I also suffer from insomnia, and while I *know* exercise may help my sleep patterns, I just like to try to sleep. But my nutrition goals have been met and exceeded.

If I stuck with the plan as outlined by myfitnesspal.com, my projected weight loss would be 1.5 lbs/week and I would lose 7.5 lbs by February 8th. I weighed myself on yesterday and I’m down 9 lbs already. Awesome!

It’s great to be able to see the weight loss on the scale, especially because this new outlook and plan of attack are both based on me making better choices and living with the consequences of those choices. I deny myself nothing so that I don’t feel deprived or like I’m being punished.

For example, I had friends visiting from out of town, so I decided to do pizza and wings as the “party” meal. I researched the nutritional info at pizzahut.com and made my choices. I made note of what I could have and how much, since I had no interest in overeating or putting on any lbs I’d already lost. I was reasonable with myself: 4 wings and 2 slices of pizza. Great. That’s more than enough to fill a belly. I also counted and measured—even though it looked silly—half a serving of Tostito’s scoops with salsa and queso. I laid out the scoops and carefully dipped half a serving of the queso, so I could spread it out on each chip. Was that overkill? Maybe, but when I weighed myself Tuesday morning, I had lost another 2 lbs since the previous week! AND, I also indulged in regular cookies last weekend.

Now, don’t get me wrong—I understand that this does not mean that I can simply count calories and fat grams and eat pizza and cookies and chips daily or even weekly. I know that the reason I didn’t gain weight after was at least partially due to all the other good food I eat and making sure I have the fruits, veggies, water, and fiber that my body needs. The emotional breakthrough showed me that I don’t have to deprive myself in order to make progress.

So part one of the breakthrough came Friday night when I only ate what I had measured and still maintain my calorie/fat daily goals. Part two came on Saturday when I unexpectedly ended up having lunch out. I hadn’t planned to eat out and hadn’t sat down at a restaurant since 2011. But it went fine, much to my delight. I ordered the Caesar salad with grilled shrimp and dressing on the side, along with water with fresh lemons to drink and, again, wings as an appetizer. I gave away half of the wings. I only used a little bit of the dressing and squeezed lemons over my salad to help add flavor and lubrication because I didn’t want to KNOW how much fat was in regular dressing in the amount they use to toss the salad. Control over the dressing was a big deal for me. I was honest as I entered everything into my daily food log. Later that day as we watched the football game, I said no to a beer and chips. I had chosen to eat the wings earlier, and then I chose what not to eat for a snack. But I wanted cookies, so I ate cookies and logged each and every one. I was prepared to live with the consequences.

Breakthrough part three came when I got on the scale and saw that not only had the Healthy Living Angels not punished me for eating less than healthy food, but I was still on track for losing pounds!

As often as I’ve heard folks talk about moderation in eating, I don’t think I really understood what that meant before. I can eat healthy, balanced meals and lose weight. I can sometimes have unhealthy food and still lose weight, as long as I don’t overdo it. How about that? I am so pleased that my choices have me eating better, feeling better, and still enjoying myself. Who knew that an ounce of chips is actually enough to satisfy that particular craving? Well, now I do.

Things are not all rosy for me, though. I still have to balance my protein, carb and sugar intake. I meet my nutrition goals as a whole in terms of fat/calories, but my sugar intake tells me that I’m eating too much of it generally. I’ll get there and I’ll enjoy myself while doing it.

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Diary of a Fat Girl: Breakthrough

January 2, 2012, was the day I decided I would turn things around and adopt healthier habits for living. I didn’t make any new year’s resolutions or proclamations–I just decided to try something different. After years of stopping and starting and losing and re-gaining and eventually weighing more than I ever have, I set my mind to trying a different way.

Being fat most of my life, I should be an expert on me and all the techniques for weight loss. I spent a lot of time in December thinking about what I would do and how I would do it and why I failed before. I tried to work out a way to make this time the last time because I would achieve my goal and then only maintain.

I used to think that dieting or even healthy eating was about discipline. That was my problem–no discipline! But now I realize healthy living and eating is about choice. By choosing certain foods, I get to lose weight, feel better, AND be satisfied. Previous attempts failed because I kept my caloric and fat intake very low, leaving me feeling starved and deprived. This time I’m being reasonable with myself and my expectations. And I’m doing it with food I eat anyway! So I’ve chosen to cook regularly. (Oh, the horror!)  I’m also trying new things that I would be able to reproduce or get easily, rather than cooking food with ingredients I’ve never even heard of.

AND: I bought a scale! I have never purchased a scale and in the last 5 years the only time I got weighed was at the Dr.’s office. Scales are not my friends! Scales are the devil! Scales lead to disappointment and regret. Scales = failure! But, since I’m choosing to do this my way, that means charting progress and figuring out what works and what doesn’t. My analytical and slightly OCD brain REQUIRES knowing what’s going on and I don’t want to go to a Dr.’s office every week.

All the advice, experience and information have been compiled and then processed in a “Jacqui-way”. So far, so good. I keep waiting for the horrible cravings to kick in–but nothing for 2 weeks. It’s bound to happen, right? Especially when the dreaded PMS kicks in! Newsflash–I had to check the calendar and couldn’t believe I’m in PMS-mode. No bad food cravings in PMS-mode? There have been no overwhelming desire for candy, cookies and ice cream to sooth the savage beast until hormonal order is restored. Could my body PREFER steamed veggies, fresh fruit, baked tilapia and chicken? Will wonders never cease! Is it possible that I feel better already just because I’m giving my body actual nourishment, instead of just feeding my subconscious? If I’ve conned myself into believing that my choices are actually making me feel better, I hope I never learn the truth.

What have I been doing the past 2 weeks? I’ve been taking multi-vitamins and iron supplements daily. Eating veggies twice a day and plenty of fruit. Nothing fried! I repeat: nothing fried! I only have whole wheat sandwich rounds (thinner than bread) and sometimes don’t even eat the whole serving a something because I’m full. I was cranky yesterday, but had only had about 5 hours of sleep, so I knew I needed more rest. But not one mood swing or desire to consume a whole package of single serving Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups or the emergency stash of mini-Hershey Bars I keep in my briefcase for long hours in court. What the hell?

Is it possible, that by making these changes about choices and not deprivation or a character flaw, i.e., lack of discipline, that I’ve enabled myself to move forward on changing me without being critical or judgmental? Hallelujah!

It’s not about the stuff on the outside. It’s about me. What do I want? To be healthier and lose weight. How do I do that? By changing my eating habits and choosing foods that nourish AND satisfy. A bold notion–choosing one thing over the other based on the benefits. Who knew?

According to my new scale, I’ve lost 7 lbs since December 16, 2011. According to my mood and the confidence I feel, I’ve lost a lot more dead weight than that. I chose to be fat and now I choose something else.

The 1st 30 days are critical. It’s when the weaknesses will show and momentum will slow. It’s when temptations come in and excuses pop up everywhere. Or so it has in the past. But I choose to be optimistic, because I’ve got a secret weapon. I KNOW I can have as many M & M’s and peanut butter cups and chocolate chip cookies that I want. It’s not about what I CAN have; it’s about what I choose to have.

I choose me!


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Changes & Healthy Choices

Tuesday, Jan 3, 2012, seemed like as good a time as any to get rid of this pudgy middle. My clothes are tight and I don’t feel attractive in many of my favorite outfits. So the plan was to cut out bad foods, cook more good, fresh foods, buy a scale, and move my body. Not daunting at all–I’ve done it all before. What’s different this time, I’ll be 44 yrs old and while I don’t have high cholesterol, heart disease or diabetes, I don’t want that in my future if I can help it.

So eating better Tuesday went well. Until Tues night when I was still hungry. I went back for more and was still hungry. I chalked my hunger up to the fact that I 1. hadn’t drank enough water and 2. hadn’t eaten enough througout the day for my body to be satisfied.

Then Wednesday comes ’round and I eat more during the day, but found that I was really hungry for dinner. Then about 9pm, I “wanted” to eat something else. I know me–the minute I start feeling deprived, my subconscious interprets it as a personal insult and it’s just a matter of time before I start slipping and sliding and abandoning all my goals. So I allowed myself a snack despite the late hour. I’m prepared to address all the facets of my twisted personality in 2012.

I know that I’m an emotional eater and that wreaks havoc with my ability to “screw [my] courage to the sticking-place” so that I will not fail!

Cut to day 3, today, Thursday, and I’m actually not hungry. But it’s lunch time and I know if I don’t eat, I will over eat tonight when options are much better at home. But I am determined and that means eating 3 meals and 2 snacks before 7:30pm! Never thought on day 3 that I’d be tired of eating already. It’s exhausting–thinking about what I can eat, counting the calories and fat, finding ways to be satisfied w/ food that is truly nourishing.

But I can do it. 30 days to break any habit, right? So in 30 days it will be 2nd nature to reach for fruit, not cookies, and to eat yogourt, not candy or chips.

My life is about choices now, not deprivation. Not I’m not this or too much of that. But simply that I can be as satisfied w/ tuna, crackers and yogourt as w/ fast food because full is full. Everything else is literally in my head.

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Sookie’s P

He told me how much he loved my pussy.

He said, “If I were a poet, I’d write poems to your pussy.

If I were a singer, I’d sing songs about your pussy.

If I were a sculptor, I’d sculpt your pussy in clay, marble and granite.

If I were a holy man, I’d worship and adore your pussy.

If I were a writer, I’d write novels and short stories and essays and vignettes . . . all set in and around your pussy.

If I were a philosopher, I’d analyze, agonize, and philosophize about your pussy (even while inside your pussy).

If I were the President, I would rename this republic: The United States of Sookie’s Pussy and put a revolving bed in the Oval Office so I could get ‘round your pussy all the time!”

Well, guess it’s good to be appreciated for something besides my mind.

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Hans von Hozel Challenge Week 1

Sookie make a thirst in oven of the day. “I wishing for sweetness and wetness and lemonness!” she cried. Disliking leaking Sookie eyes, Sam scream, “not leaky-face—here be by my arms and squeezing away the wetness.”

“No” screeched by Sookie. Wanting Viking squeeze to make wetness not in eye, no by Sam arming. But high is golden orb, so no squeezes by Viking or lowly wetness soon.

Passage of golden orb bringing blackness and Viking. “My wife, feeling your bad feeling! Why your bad feeling? Spat fastly!” Taking all air into her side, Sookie spit “I am missing drinks of lemon made with Gran when live. I sad and no you make forgetting sad drinks of lemon.”

Viking say, “I making best than lemon drinks—I making Danube drink all fall from head but Viking! Drinking me, Sookie!”

“Oh, Viking, mine Viking. Making all wishments to sweetness!” “Also, too, additioning wetness,” shouted Viking. “Come, one who being lover to me, presently all wishments be true and better thus lemony drinks will sharing to you.”

Sharing drinking, Viking making Sookie no remember all wishments but he, with much leaking but no from hers eye.

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